A Love Song For The Self a.k.a. Jenny Belches Out In the Shower

She seems dressed in all the rings
Of past fatalities
So fragile yet so devious
She continues to see

Climatic hands that press
Her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home
Forever

She's the only one that makes me sad.

She is everything and more
The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia, bathed in possession
She is home to me

I get nervous, perverse when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's now or never she's coming home
Forever

She's the only one that makes me sad

Hard to say what caught my attention
fixed and crazy Aphid Attraction
Carve my name in my face to recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

I'm a slave and I am a master
No restraints and unchecked collectors
I exist through my need to self-oblige
She is something in me that I despise

I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real, I can't make her real.

-Vermilion by Slipknot-

Conversations over gum and nicotine

I have something to tell you.

*chew. suck. blow. chew*

Do you want to hear it?

No. I don't.

Are you sure?

Yep.

Do you know what it's about?

I think so, yeah.

And you really don't want to hear it.

Ignorance is bliss.

And it's folly to be wise?

Absolutely.

Then you're a fool.

Why because I don't care? That makes me a fool?

You're such a liar. You do care.

*chew. suck. blow.*
I don't want to know.

So you're washing your hands clean. Just like that. Not a care for anyone.

Yes. And fuck you if you think I'm insensitive.

...

...

What have you become? Who the fuck are you now?

*suck. suck some more. blowing and blowing and blowing.*
You tell me.

A Big Tsk

Okay, so Henry's not that great at being a lyricist.

Standards Schmandards.

He's still tsss-hot. And I just called him hot. I've never used hot on a local.

Not that it means something. It's just that I said tsss-hot. A term reserved for scalding tsss-hot coffee.

Crestfallen

So I was walking down a familiar street. Last time I was here, it was a somber sight of murder committed as an act of both love and betrayal. The murder weapon, a pitch fork, has no trace of blood on it but instead pitched upon a pile of leaves --- and under a lone autumnal tree amidst a park that is bursting with spring, propped atop an exposed root was my old friend.

Hey, I thought I killed you.

It is nice seeing you too m'lady. You have something between your teeth. Oh wait, I remember! You still haven't had that gap fixed? Still afraid of the dentist? What are you? 10?

I blush a little. He did not point reference to the fact that I abandoned him. Killed him even.

I was wondering when you'd bother to come this way again.

I just thought I'd drop by you know. Anywhere became nowhere-s. But here, here is always. The crest has fallen. And it's broken into a million little pieces.

What happened?

He's showing interest, that's good. The last time, the day I killed him, he wouldn't listen.

I got tied in knots. And now I've come undone.

How'd you do that?

I used my teeth.

He smiled. So I smiled.

What are you going to do?

I dunno. I haven't planned that far. I'm just thinking about walking for now.

Do you need company?

I looked around, and the leaves need tending to or else the wind will blow it away and it'll be another big mess, and I didn't want to cause that. Besides, my own mess is waiting for me and that needs tending to.

Nah. You're just gonna cramp my style.

I try to look brave and be cool about it. He knows. He knows.

Suit yourself.

I turn to leave, picking up a stray leaf and stuffing it in my pocket. Mementos. Everything is moving fast and everything is moving slow nowadays, and I want to remember.

Hey!

I stopped but did not turn around.

People mess each other up all the time Jenny. You frail little beings might not mean to, but it happens. And sometimes, things shatter into a million little pieces. Putting it back together is just beyond the grasp of human capability. But then again, something splendidly whole can still be beautiful in its broken state. It lies there on the floor and it glitters and it creates new dimensions, sort of a window to other aspects that would not have been appreciated while it was whole.

I keep quiet. I dwell on the words. Everything is moving fast and everything is moving slow nowadays, and I want to remember.

And I remember that I killed him. And that I am here. And we are talking.

Hey...thanks.

For what? I dole out whimsical nonsense for a living.

He looks uncomfortable, almost awkward. But good awkward. (Awkward is such an awkward word. That's funny.)

For not leaving when I asked you to.

Oh that. You killed me you sadistic little brat.

We laugh.

I'm here because I want to be here. Just as you are here because you want to be here.

See ya later Johnny Boy.

The wind is coming. And the leaves need tending to. And I have my million little pieces before me.

--------

I used "a million little pieces" because the phrase stuck with me after reading James Frey.
I used "crestfallen" because I like that Smashing Pumpkins Song.

Enough. Enough now.

"...And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all...

It killed me to say it. Some primitive voice inside me was screaming "No, you mustn't. You mustn't."

But I did. Because it just must. I find no shame in admitting the truth.

I don't know if it would be fully understood in the future, how painful it was to say it. But maybe I should stop caring. Because caring hurts too.

Meaningless, I said. Pft, that my friend, was absurd. Then again, we choose what we think will strap us back to sanity. Something I have spun away from the moment I started to feel.

When you come at last to that prominent fork on the road and you have decided to go one way, you do not think of what had happened, of what you saw, of what you heard, of the numerous questions that begged for an answer --- you only see that which you are leaving behind, that you are saying goodbye to.

If you read this...I will miss you. If you don't, let's just say it is meaningless.


...So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends"

---Garbage "Cup Of Coffee"---