Sister Mary Satan

“We are hippie chicks, bent on battle against Sister Mary Satan and her army.” --- Terry


Sister Mary Satan was a religion class teacher that I had to endure when I was in my junior year in high school. This woman was hell-bent on destroying everything else that was not so Catholic. My best friend Kylie made her one and only trip to the principal’s office because of this woman’s prodding and paranoia, the reason being that she thought Kylie was practicing witchcraft (which she was by the way, but hey leave her alone). She did the same thing to me by accusing me of gambling during a class retreat, which I was able to successfully refute by technicality. I marched up to the discipline officer’s room with a dictionary in one hand and went out with a smug look on my face. Gambling my ass. Was there money involved? No I don’t think so. I’m innocent I tell you! Innocent!

But Sister Mary Satan had her moments. It’s more of my friend Theresa’s moment now that I look back on it. Eating inside the classroom is parallel to killing one of your young and can get you into a serious tangle with “the law”. Therese didn’t care, and to think she’s going to be a lawyer. She was eating cookies when Sister Mary Satan spotted a piece on top of her desk. Her forever-bulging eyes bulged some more to our amusement and she started ranting.

SMS : Ms. Cruz, you are aware that eating is not allowed I assume?

Theresa : Yep. Pretty much.

SMS : What’s that on your desk? Why do you have a cookie on your desk?

Theresa : (without skipping a beat) I’m using it as paperweight.

SMS : (speechless) Uh, okay. Well…keep it.

Therese : As soon as I’m done. Not to worry.

And so now you can see Sister Mary Satan’s face in the dictionary alongside the words “gullible” and “fool”.

The reason for digging up this memory and putting into words is because I found a stinky decaying paper in my old files that dates back to 1998. It was a print out of an E-mail that I sent only to my friends and for some reason, people started coming up to me saying, “That was funny. I loved it.” For a while I was cold and sweating fearing that the E-mail would reach one of the higher authorities and then they’ll track it down to me, but it didn’t…which sucked. It would have been quite a challenging hole to get out from compared to the fairly easy gambling issue. Besides, I could have used the excitement amidst a fairly boring school year. It probably was a mean thing to do, but it was supposed to be an inside joke. And you’d probably wag your finger at me saying “How dare you, she’s a woman of god!” Well she wasn’t yet at that time. She quit teaching after that school year. By all means, not because of the little poem that I concocted using the famous “Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator” at the now defunct site The Brunching Shuttlecocks., but because she was convinced she would be a good nun.

Take this:

"I Think"
I Think Snakes are really a huge problem
I Think Moles are too much on my mind
I Think Crosses have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?

Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like an E.E. Cummings line, which won't let go of my brain
Like The Devil's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan

I Think Stringy Hair are gonna drive us all crazy
And Bulging Eyes make me feel like a child
I Think Provincial Accents will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do? I said what can you do?

Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like an E.E. Cummings line, which won't let go of my brain
Like The Devil's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan

Like a Red rain, beating down on me
Like The Devil's smile, cruel and cold
Like E.E. Cummings's ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan
Blame it on Sister Mary Satan


The next time I saw her she was very nun-ish, habit and all. I remember feeling queasy when I saw her because even though people from 20 feet away would have been blinded by the ultra-whiteness of her new garbs, I was still seeing fire and brimstone raging on behind her. The pristine white cloth turned black. The gentle expression turned to a sneer. Horns tore the cloth of her veil and behind her a long whooshing tail flailed about. She smiled and I saw pus-filled bleeding gums and dark teeth, and I froze as she encircled me with her arms and whispered…

“I hope you haven’t been gambling.”