The Toxicity of Inter-Personal Relationships
4:00 AM
It is in this ungodly hour that you start hating yourself for not being able to control your brain. Sometimes it takes tactical diversion, meticulous concentration, skirting through the jungle recesses of the madness that is your brain, and sometimes you even manage to do it effortlessly.
But then there are times like these. You swear to god its not you who is doing it but someone else, messing up the image projector in your head, making you see things you don’t want to see, remembering things you know you shouldn’t. It’s a free for all mess hall in there. And it always ends the same way, you on the ground after falling from the 24th floor, twitching reflexively, choking on your bowels. There you are, staring at the sky, watching as a ten-ton vault hurtles downward. There you are, and for lack of any other better reaction, you start giggling at the thought of your impending doom. Thump.
4:15 AM
Questions that need answering. But then again, life is a bunch of rhetorical questions. And I know you are cruel enough to never tell me the truth.
4:18 AM
Before I sleep, in every waking hour, it’s always the same thing. Somebody. Take it from me. Because for fuck’s sake, I’m the only one losing sleep from this. And it’s been how long? What a loser.
4:30 AM
I know everything. And it kind of sucks sometimes when you are able to look me in the eye and pretend the airplane landed with its two wings intact when in fact the whole darn thing blew up midair. And it’s a real letdown that you LIED, you fucking LIAR. Because I knew everything, and I was giving you too much credit.
5:00 AM
Alright fine. There’s comes a point where you have to draw the line. Emotions must be heard.
Carla, I’m hurt by what you did when we were 11-years old (1994). We were playing hide and seek, and you said I was making it easy for you to find me. And that was true, I didn’t want to go hide for a long time because I know you hate doing the seeking part. And frankly, I didn’t give a fuck, I just wanted to be preoccupied during recess, and looking for something does the trick for me. And yes, I didn't like hiding because hiding felt too much like getting lost. You accused me of not being true to the noble game of hide and seek. I didn’t get that. But then you called me incompetent in hiding, and I saw red.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
I showed you didn’t I? I hid under a car. And I heard you shouting from a distance. And I heard you calling for me to come out. I waited for you to find me. You said you would.You promised you would. But what did you do? You quit on me and played tag with the other girls. And that really hurt, you know.
Ten years later and we’re drinking coffee. Not one minute passes by that I don’t think about it. When I see you, I remember how blistering hot, and damp, and dusty it was underneath that car, and how I almost fainted when someone turned the ignition. I see you and I see the smoke starting to suffocate me. I see you and all I remember is that you lied.
It is in this ungodly hour that you start hating yourself for not being able to control your brain. Sometimes it takes tactical diversion, meticulous concentration, skirting through the jungle recesses of the madness that is your brain, and sometimes you even manage to do it effortlessly.
But then there are times like these. You swear to god its not you who is doing it but someone else, messing up the image projector in your head, making you see things you don’t want to see, remembering things you know you shouldn’t. It’s a free for all mess hall in there. And it always ends the same way, you on the ground after falling from the 24th floor, twitching reflexively, choking on your bowels. There you are, staring at the sky, watching as a ten-ton vault hurtles downward. There you are, and for lack of any other better reaction, you start giggling at the thought of your impending doom. Thump.
4:15 AM
Questions that need answering. But then again, life is a bunch of rhetorical questions. And I know you are cruel enough to never tell me the truth.
4:18 AM
Before I sleep, in every waking hour, it’s always the same thing. Somebody. Take it from me. Because for fuck’s sake, I’m the only one losing sleep from this. And it’s been how long? What a loser.
4:30 AM
I know everything. And it kind of sucks sometimes when you are able to look me in the eye and pretend the airplane landed with its two wings intact when in fact the whole darn thing blew up midair. And it’s a real letdown that you LIED, you fucking LIAR. Because I knew everything, and I was giving you too much credit.
5:00 AM
Alright fine. There’s comes a point where you have to draw the line. Emotions must be heard.
Carla, I’m hurt by what you did when we were 11-years old (1994). We were playing hide and seek, and you said I was making it easy for you to find me. And that was true, I didn’t want to go hide for a long time because I know you hate doing the seeking part. And frankly, I didn’t give a fuck, I just wanted to be preoccupied during recess, and looking for something does the trick for me. And yes, I didn't like hiding because hiding felt too much like getting lost. You accused me of not being true to the noble game of hide and seek. I didn’t get that. But then you called me incompetent in hiding, and I saw red.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
I showed you didn’t I? I hid under a car. And I heard you shouting from a distance. And I heard you calling for me to come out. I waited for you to find me. You said you would.You promised you would. But what did you do? You quit on me and played tag with the other girls. And that really hurt, you know.
Ten years later and we’re drinking coffee. Not one minute passes by that I don’t think about it. When I see you, I remember how blistering hot, and damp, and dusty it was underneath that car, and how I almost fainted when someone turned the ignition. I see you and I see the smoke starting to suffocate me. I see you and all I remember is that you lied.
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